"A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt..."
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Jack Handy
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"Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was..."
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Jack Handy
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"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a..."
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Jack Handy
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"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has..."
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Jack Handy
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"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's..."
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Jack Handy
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"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't..."
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Jack Handy
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"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it...."
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Jack Handy
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"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my..."
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Jack Handy
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"I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,..."
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Jack Handy
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"I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets,..."
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Jack Handy
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"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am..."
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Jack Handy
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"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We..."
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Jack Handy
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"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,..."
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Jack Handy
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"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying..."
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Jack Handy
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"If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that..."
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Jack Handy
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"If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it..."
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Jack Handy
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"If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a..."
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Jack Handy
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"If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to..."
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Jack Handy
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"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and..."
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Jack Handy
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"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man...."
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Jack Handy
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"It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But..."
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Jack Handy
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"Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First..."
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Jack Handy
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"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face...."
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Jack Handy
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"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,..."
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Jack Handy
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"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered..."
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Jack Handy
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"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie..."
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Jack Handy
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"When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick..."
Full 'Jack Handy' Quote
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Jack Handy
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