"A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly..."
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Woody Allen
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"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so..."
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Woody Allen
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"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night...."
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Woody Allen
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"Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is..."
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Woody Allen
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"Eighty percent of success is showing up...."
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Woody Allen
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"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed..."
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Woody Allen
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"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose...."
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Woody Allen
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"I think being funny is not anyone's first choice...."
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Woody Allen
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"I think crime pays. The hours are good and you travel a lot...."
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Woody Allen
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"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox...."
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Woody Allen
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"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded --..."
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Woody Allen
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"If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?..."
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Woody Allen
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"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing..."
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Woody Allen
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"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a..."
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Woody Allen
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"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones..."
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Woody Allen
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"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it..."
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Woody Allen
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"Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way ou t and..."
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Woody Allen
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"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable...."
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Woody Allen
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"Love is the answer, but while ou're waiting for the answer, sex raises some..."
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Woody Allen
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"Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more..."
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Woody Allen
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"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons...."
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Woody Allen
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"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to..."
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Woody Allen
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"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the times, I don't have..."
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Woody Allen
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"My brain: it's my second favorite organ...."
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Woody Allen
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"My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else...."
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Woody Allen
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"My success has allowed me to strike ou with a higher class of women...."
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Woody Allen
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"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends...."
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Woody Allen
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"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily..."
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Woody Allen
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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's..."
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Woody Allen
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"Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful,..."
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Woody Allen
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"The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much..."
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Woody Allen
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"The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty..."
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Woody Allen
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"There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep..."
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Woody Allen
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"There are worse things in lif than death. Have you ever spent an evening..."
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Woody Allen
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"Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food:..."
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Woody Allen
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"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I..."
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Woody Allen
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"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse,..."
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Woody Allen
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"Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?..."
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Woody Allen
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"You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to..."
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Woody Allen
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